How to be a better parent, one small moment a day

Being a better parent is mostly a few small moments, done often. Put the phone away, give your kid one real thing to talk about, let everyone take a turn, and listen without fixing. A 2015 study of parents' time found that, for children aged 3 to 11, the total hours were not linked to how kids did (NICHD). Better usually starts with something small, and with being a little kinder to yourself.

What does being a better parent actually mean?

For most of us it means one thing: our kids feel close to us. They feel heard. They know they can bring us something and we will actually listen.

That is good news, because none of it needs to be perfect. The pediatrician D. W. Winnicott wrote about the “good enough” mother: a parent who is caring and present but not perfect, and whose small gaps in attention help a child begin to sense a real world outside themselves (Psychology Today). I think the same goes for dads. You don't need to be a different person. You need a few good moments.

Does feeling guilty make you a better parent?

It usually works the other way. A study of a nationally representative sample of US families, using data funded by the US National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, found no clear link between the amount of time parents spent with children aged 3 to 11 and how those children did. For teenagers, time actively engaged with their mother went with less delinquent behavior, and mothers' distress levels were part of the picture too (NICHD, 2015). In news coverage at the time, one of the authors, sociologist Kei Nomaguchi, said mothers' stress "may actually be affecting their kids poorly" (Washington Post, via Cullman Times).

So the guilt about not doing enough hours is not helping you or your kid. A calmer five minutes is worth more.

How can I be a better parent in five minutes a day?

1. Choose one window you already have. Bedtime, the car, the walk home. Same time most days, so it becomes a habit for both of you.
2. Put the phone somewhere else. Not face down on the table. Somewhere else. (If that is the hard part, Pause Moment is the app I made for it.)
3. Bring one real thing to talk about. A question, a short story, an idea. Something specific works better than “how was your day”. Here are questions to ask your kids that get more than “fine”.
4. Let everyone take a turn. Your kid, their sibling, you. Nobody is too small to have an opinion.
5. Listen without fixing. If you disagree with their answer, ask why. They are growing their own thoughts.
6. Forgive the days you miss. Tomorrow is another five minutes.

How can you be a better mom or dad when you're tired?

Make it smaller. Tired parents don't need a bigger plan, they need a shorter one. One question at bedtime counts. Sitting with them for the last five minutes before sleep counts. Answering their question in the car instead of the phone counts.

Moms and dads tend to get different advice, but the core is the same for both: attention, a turn to talk, and being there again tomorrow. If you share the parenting, you can even take turns. One evening is yours, the next is theirs.

What does a better parent look like in a real family?

Every Friday after the meal, my father gave us a subject. Then we all talked about it.

Everyone got a turn to talk. We felt heard. We felt together. And each of us grew our own opinions and thoughts along the way.

I wanted that feeling for my own kids. I couldn't do it like him.

That is what made me build Tovana. It helps parents and kids feel close, one short moment a day: a big idea from a real thinker and a question you answer together. It is my way of giving my kids what my father gave me, in the few minutes we actually get. More on that in what actually counts as quality time with kids.